American GovernmentA man walked into the White House and asked one of the guards there: “Is George Bush the President?” and the guard replied “No, his term is over, and there is a new President elect”
The man thanked the guard and left, only to return to the White House the next day. The man entered the building and asked the same guard: “Is George Bush the President?” and again the guard replied “No, I told you before, his term is over, and there is a new President elect!”
Once more the man thanked the guard and left, and once again returned to the White House the next day. The man entered the building and once again asked the same guard: “Is George Bush the President?” and the guard replied “For the last time NO! His term is over, and there is a new President elect! What part don’t you understand?” The man then answered: “Oh I understand exactly what you’re saying, I just like hearing it
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
("\('.' )/")
Alright......lets just get down to the jokes today.....dont really got much to say today.....yea.....
Santa* and Banta
Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.
Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn’t laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.
Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, “One day…......” and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.
Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quiet as a statue. So the boss shot him.
Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.
The boss asked him, “Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?”
Santa said laughing and giggling, “Oh! How funny Banta’s joke was!
*No relevance to the christmas Santa for those who r wondering
Well thats all for today....jus one i'm starting to exhaust myarchive so until next time!
Santa* and Banta
Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.
Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn’t laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.
Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, “One day…......” and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.
Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quiet as a statue. So the boss shot him.
Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.
The boss asked him, “Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?”
Santa said laughing and giggling, “Oh! How funny Banta’s joke was!
*No relevance to the christmas Santa for those who r wondering
Well thats all for today....jus one i'm starting to exhaust myarchive so until next time!
Monday, December 15, 2008
("\( '.')/")
Gah have forgotten to post in th last few days, been very busy.... to make it up here are 4 jokes for the day yes 4 ot the regular 2.....meh.... this is gonna be alot of work
Saw tracks, followed tracksThere were three guys who went hunting. The 1st guy comes back with a deer. “how did you catch that?” “Saw tracks, followed tracks, killed a deer.” The 2nd guy comes back with a bear.”how did you catch that?” they asked.p. “Saw tracks, Followed tracks, killed a bear.” The 3rd guy comes back bleeding, bruised, and torn up. “what happened?” they asked. “Saw tracks, followed tracks, Got hit by a train!”
Struggling to LearnA boy in year seven is having great difficulty understanding mathematics in his school. His parents have tried everything they can think of, Private Tutors, interactive programmes, high disipline schools, and nothing seems to help this boy improve his score.
As a last resort his parents send him to a Catholic school hoping to achieve some better results. The boy gets home after his first day his parents ask him,
“How was School?” The boy does not even respond he looks frightened as well. Before his parents can ask him what is wrong he plonks himself down on a chair and pulls out his maths book and starts to work through it. His parents cannot believe it, and hope to god, litteraly, that he brings home an ‘A’ in his test the very next day. They look at the grade… “IT’S AN A!!” yells his mother and runs up to her son’s bedroom. “What is wrong honey? You just got an A you should be happy!” she asks.
The next day the boy gets home, shaking, gives his parents the test and runs to his room.
The boy replies ,still afraid, “Well, when I walked into the school, I saw this man they nailed to a Plus sign, so I knew they weren’t messing around!”
Betting Problem
Ok so once there was a guy who had a serious betting problem so when he went to the docter the docter said “sir it seems…that…you have…3 testicles” so the guy thinks that is realy awsome so he goes to the bar and opens the doors and says “I BET ONE MILLION DOLLOARS THAT ME AND THE BAR TENDER TOGETHER HAVE 5 TESTICLES” so the bar tender pulls him over and says “buddy i sure do hope u got 4 testicles”
Lettuce, Tomato
So there are 2 teenagers and a kid that are going camping
the 2 teenagers deicide to sleep on the top bunk in the cabin, while the kid sleeps on the bottom bunk
the teenagers want 2 have sex but they dont want the kid to know so they make up codes, lettuce for for faster and tomato for harder
After they yell lettuce and tomato a few times, the kid wakes up and says “will u guys stop making sandwiches?your getting mayo all over my face!”
Ok so the last two kinda suck but hey this isnt any easy job yah know
Saw tracks, followed tracksThere were three guys who went hunting. The 1st guy comes back with a deer. “how did you catch that?” “Saw tracks, followed tracks, killed a deer.” The 2nd guy comes back with a bear.”how did you catch that?” they asked.p. “Saw tracks, Followed tracks, killed a bear.” The 3rd guy comes back bleeding, bruised, and torn up. “what happened?” they asked. “Saw tracks, followed tracks, Got hit by a train!”
Struggling to LearnA boy in year seven is having great difficulty understanding mathematics in his school. His parents have tried everything they can think of, Private Tutors, interactive programmes, high disipline schools, and nothing seems to help this boy improve his score.
As a last resort his parents send him to a Catholic school hoping to achieve some better results. The boy gets home after his first day his parents ask him,
“How was School?” The boy does not even respond he looks frightened as well. Before his parents can ask him what is wrong he plonks himself down on a chair and pulls out his maths book and starts to work through it. His parents cannot believe it, and hope to god, litteraly, that he brings home an ‘A’ in his test the very next day. They look at the grade… “IT’S AN A!!” yells his mother and runs up to her son’s bedroom. “What is wrong honey? You just got an A you should be happy!” she asks.
The next day the boy gets home, shaking, gives his parents the test and runs to his room.
The boy replies ,still afraid, “Well, when I walked into the school, I saw this man they nailed to a Plus sign, so I knew they weren’t messing around!”
Betting Problem
Ok so once there was a guy who had a serious betting problem so when he went to the docter the docter said “sir it seems…that…you have…3 testicles” so the guy thinks that is realy awsome so he goes to the bar and opens the doors and says “I BET ONE MILLION DOLLOARS THAT ME AND THE BAR TENDER TOGETHER HAVE 5 TESTICLES” so the bar tender pulls him over and says “buddy i sure do hope u got 4 testicles”
Lettuce, Tomato
So there are 2 teenagers and a kid that are going camping
the 2 teenagers deicide to sleep on the top bunk in the cabin, while the kid sleeps on the bottom bunk
the teenagers want 2 have sex but they dont want the kid to know so they make up codes, lettuce for for faster and tomato for harder
After they yell lettuce and tomato a few times, the kid wakes up and says “will u guys stop making sandwiches?your getting mayo all over my face!”
Ok so the last two kinda suck but hey this isnt any easy job yah know
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
("\( '.' )/")
THis one came quite late.... ok very late was kinda busy today.... or not.... whatever well delivering a pair of new jokes right now...
annoying guy
one day a man walk into a bar and asks the bartender" do u hav paper clips "the bar tender says "no" so the man left then a couple minutes later the same man walks in and asks the same question the bar tender says no so he left again the man then walks in again and says the same question the bar tender says "if u ask one more time i will nail ur feet 2gether "so he left a couple minutes later the same guy walks in and ask if he bartender hav a hammer and nails the bar said no so the man asks if he had paper clips
who cheated???Three guys die and go to heaven.
At the pearly gates St. Peters says: “Heaven is a giant place and so to get around you’re going to need some type of personal transportation. The quality of this transportation will depend on your truthfullness to this question and how well I judge you based on your answer. My question is: “Have you ever cheated on your spouse and if so, how many times?”
Guy 1 answers: I confess I’ve cheated on her 3 times in my life and I do want forgivness… St. Peters says: That’s fine, you speak the truth and so I award you with a G35.
Guy 2 answers: Please forgive me, I’ve cheated on my wife several times, too many to count. I do regret it after it was all done. I’m sorry. St. Peters says: You are always forgiven, remember to make better decisions next time though, even in heaven. You get an ‘06 Camry.
Guy 3 answers: I have a clean slate. I’ve treated my wife like a queen and have never looked at another woman as long as I have lived. St. Peters says: And I truly do admire you for your purity. Such a wonderful job awards you with a Maserati.
Later that day, The first two guys stop their cars and get out to talk to the third guy, who is sitting on the side of the street, crying. They ask “What happened?” He answers: “I just saw my wife and she was on a skatebord!”
annoying guy
one day a man walk into a bar and asks the bartender" do u hav paper clips "the bar tender says "no" so the man left then a couple minutes later the same man walks in and asks the same question the bar tender says no so he left again the man then walks in again and says the same question the bar tender says "if u ask one more time i will nail ur feet 2gether "so he left a couple minutes later the same guy walks in and ask if he bartender hav a hammer and nails the bar said no so the man asks if he had paper clips
who cheated???Three guys die and go to heaven.
At the pearly gates St. Peters says: “Heaven is a giant place and so to get around you’re going to need some type of personal transportation. The quality of this transportation will depend on your truthfullness to this question and how well I judge you based on your answer. My question is: “Have you ever cheated on your spouse and if so, how many times?”
Guy 1 answers: I confess I’ve cheated on her 3 times in my life and I do want forgivness… St. Peters says: That’s fine, you speak the truth and so I award you with a G35.
Guy 2 answers: Please forgive me, I’ve cheated on my wife several times, too many to count. I do regret it after it was all done. I’m sorry. St. Peters says: You are always forgiven, remember to make better decisions next time though, even in heaven. You get an ‘06 Camry.
Guy 3 answers: I have a clean slate. I’ve treated my wife like a queen and have never looked at another woman as long as I have lived. St. Peters says: And I truly do admire you for your purity. Such a wonderful job awards you with a Maserati.
Later that day, The first two guys stop their cars and get out to talk to the third guy, who is sitting on the side of the street, crying. They ask “What happened?” He answers: “I just saw my wife and she was on a skatebord!”
Sunday, December 7, 2008
("\( '.' )/")
Hey its me again, though by now you should already know that..... anyways i dont really have much to say now adays, been sleeping real late so this posts come around the time i wake up dependingly........any way you didnt need to know that, on to the jokes
Pet Diaries
Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary…...
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary. ..
Day 983 of my captivity… My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow—but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now….............
Masterbathing Kid
One day there was a kid masterbathing in his room.Then his dad walks in.The dad said,son you got to stop masterbathing or youll be blind.The kid says," DAD im behind you!"
Pet Diaries
Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary…...
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary. ..
Day 983 of my captivity… My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow—but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now….............
Masterbathing Kid
One day there was a kid masterbathing in his room.Then his dad walks in.The dad said,son you got to stop masterbathing or youll be blind.The kid says," DAD im behind you!"
Saturday, December 6, 2008
......Do i honestly need a title for this?.......
Whazzap , meh forgot to post yesterday.... but still, i have a whole catalouge of jokes top pick from since i have some helpers sending me jsome jokes as well.... but you didnt need to know that so........yea..... on to the jokes ("\( '.' )/") a bear lol
heavens gates
so there is this guy whos walkin up to heavens gates. THe angel at the gate says “look bob, you didnt do very many good things in ur life,” bob responds”what are u talkin about? ther was this one time were i saw a bike gang gangbangin a teenage girl. i got so mad i took the spare tire from my car and i hit the leader of the gang on the head!” the man at the gate said”thats very impressive. when did this happen?” bob replied “oh a couple minutes ago.”
Bar Bet
two guys walk in a bar and see a guy wasted, as they order drinks they see him walk up to the two men, he says that for 200 hundred dollars he will jump a building and float back up, the two men agreed, the drunk man jumps off the building and floats back up, the 2 men figured it was a meer trick so they jumped, and died, the drunk man stoled their valuables and rentered the bar, WAITER 1 MORE BEER PLEASE the waiter says superman your an asshole!!!
heavens gates
so there is this guy whos walkin up to heavens gates. THe angel at the gate says “look bob, you didnt do very many good things in ur life,” bob responds”what are u talkin about? ther was this one time were i saw a bike gang gangbangin a teenage girl. i got so mad i took the spare tire from my car and i hit the leader of the gang on the head!” the man at the gate said”thats very impressive. when did this happen?” bob replied “oh a couple minutes ago.”
Bar Bet
two guys walk in a bar and see a guy wasted, as they order drinks they see him walk up to the two men, he says that for 200 hundred dollars he will jump a building and float back up, the two men agreed, the drunk man jumps off the building and floats back up, the 2 men figured it was a meer trick so they jumped, and died, the drunk man stoled their valuables and rentered the bar, WAITER 1 MORE BEER PLEASE the waiter says superman your an asshole!!!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Spread the word, this place has been revived
YEa cus, most think its dead already so spread the word........... now! juz kiddin take your time and while you're here enjoy these random jokes
The bussiness man and the donkey
One day a bussiness man took a vacation to the Grand Canyon.
when he got to the grand cayon he saw a hespanic man renting donkeys to people. He goes up to the man, and ask” how much is it for a donkey”
the man replies” 25$ a day”
“okay” replies the bussiness man” i’ll take the strongest looking donkey that you have, that one over there”
“I dont think you want that one seinor, he no look to good.” replied the man
“what are you talking about, that ones the strongest looking one you got” yelled the business man
“okay senior you can have that one, but i warned you.”
the bussisness man takes the donkey, and goes to tour the grand cayon and all of its mysteries that make it fasanating
later that night the bussies man returns without the donkey, and with a broken arm and a broken leg.
he crawls to the man and yells “that stupid donkey walked right off the cliff!!!!!!!!!!!
the man sadly replies”i told you seinor he didn’t look to good.”
WAlking on water
A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to go fishing together, so they meet up and row out to a spot the rabbi and the minister have used before.
Not long after they cast the lines the rabbi exclaims that he has left his flask in the boot of the car. He leaps over the side of the boat and walks across the water returning a few minutes later with the flask. The priest is dumfounded but can only put this feat down to the fact that the rabbi must be a very religious and pious person.
As lunchtime approaches, the minister confesses that he has left the sandwiches in the car. So he too jumps over the side of the boat and runs back across the water, returning shortly with his lunch. Again the priest is amazed but can only put it down to the fact that the minister must also be a very religious and pious person.
They settle back into the fishing and they are having reasonable luck. In fact they were doing so well that they start to run low on bait. The priest says no problem, I have plenty in the car, I’ll nip over and get some. He is quite sure that he is just as religious and pious as the rabbi and the minister so he leaps over the side of the boat and promptly disappears underwater. As he surfaces for the third time the minister turns to the rabbi and says “Morris, shouldn’t we tell him where the stepping stones are ?”
The bussiness man and the donkey
One day a bussiness man took a vacation to the Grand Canyon.
when he got to the grand cayon he saw a hespanic man renting donkeys to people. He goes up to the man, and ask” how much is it for a donkey”
the man replies” 25$ a day”
“okay” replies the bussiness man” i’ll take the strongest looking donkey that you have, that one over there”
“I dont think you want that one seinor, he no look to good.” replied the man
“what are you talking about, that ones the strongest looking one you got” yelled the business man
“okay senior you can have that one, but i warned you.”
the bussisness man takes the donkey, and goes to tour the grand cayon and all of its mysteries that make it fasanating
later that night the bussies man returns without the donkey, and with a broken arm and a broken leg.
he crawls to the man and yells “that stupid donkey walked right off the cliff!!!!!!!!!!!
the man sadly replies”i told you seinor he didn’t look to good.”
WAlking on water
A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to go fishing together, so they meet up and row out to a spot the rabbi and the minister have used before.
Not long after they cast the lines the rabbi exclaims that he has left his flask in the boot of the car. He leaps over the side of the boat and walks across the water returning a few minutes later with the flask. The priest is dumfounded but can only put this feat down to the fact that the rabbi must be a very religious and pious person.
As lunchtime approaches, the minister confesses that he has left the sandwiches in the car. So he too jumps over the side of the boat and runs back across the water, returning shortly with his lunch. Again the priest is amazed but can only put it down to the fact that the minister must also be a very religious and pious person.
They settle back into the fishing and they are having reasonable luck. In fact they were doing so well that they start to run low on bait. The priest says no problem, I have plenty in the car, I’ll nip over and get some. He is quite sure that he is just as religious and pious as the rabbi and the minister so he leaps over the side of the boat and promptly disappears underwater. As he surfaces for the third time the minister turns to the rabbi and says “Morris, shouldn’t we tell him where the stepping stones are ?”
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