Sorry been quite lazy lately

Keep falling asleep for some reason..... must be that i'm watching too much anime..... nah maybe not... anyway heres another update for the waiting audience out there so go ahead and laugh your head off or something like that

Dental hygiene
Two male medical students are examining a sperm sample through a microscope. A girl student enters the lab and notices the surprised boys.
Girl: “Hi, what are you guys doing?”
They look at each other during an unconfortable silence.
One of the boys: “We’re looking at … umm … saliva.” Girl: “Oh, good. Can I see it?”
The boys let the girl take a look. In a few moments a professor enters.
Professor: “Hi, what are you guys looking at so intesively?” Girl: “It’s a sample of saliva.” Boys: “Er…” Professor: “Excellent. May I take a look?”
Professor takes off his glasses, takes a quick look at the microscope and smirks.
—“Miss, maybe you should clean your teeth more carefully…”

The Six Affairs
The first affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded..‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.We had sex all afternoon.’She looked down at his shoes and said:‘You lying bastard!You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ The wife smiled sweetly and replied:‘Not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,about to be cremated,and made a startling discovery.Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
she said, ‘pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied,
‘the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer.‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.He glanced at the menu and asked:‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’‘A nickel,’ the barman replied ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’The bartender replied:‘Upstairs, with my wife.’The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairswith your wife?’The bartender replied:‘The same thing I’m doingto his business down here.’
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.He looked up and said weakly:I have something I must confess.’‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.‘No,’ he insisted,‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,her best friend, and your mother!’‘I know,’ she replied,‘now just rest and let the poison work.’

Exams r over!

Yes exams r finally over so i finally got the computer back.... yea so i have returned again, funnier, radomer, jokier! Ok so there aint no such word but, you get the point

Actual School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: 1) My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor


The Lazy Mens And The Lightbulbs
How many lazy mens are needed to change a lightbulb? 3. one to hold the lightbulb and the others to spin the ladder