Whew finally back

After all the things that have happened till yesterday i have finally found time to revive this blog....... god, took me long enough

This first ones goona be quite random if you can even understand it

What the Blind man saw
One fine day in the middle of the night, Two dead boys* got up to fight, Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot each other, One was blind and the other couldn’t, see So they chose a dummy for a referee. A blind man went to see fair play, A dumb man went to shout “hooray!” A paralysed donkey passing by, Kicked the blind man in the eye, Knocked him through a nine inch wall, Into a dry ditch and drowned them all, A deaf policeman heard the noise, And came to arrest the two dead boys, If you don’t believe this story’s true, Ask the blind man he saw it too!

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following menu options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.”

Here is a funny self-explainatory pic

Sorry been quite lazy lately

Keep falling asleep for some reason..... must be that i'm watching too much anime..... nah maybe not... anyway heres another update for the waiting audience out there so go ahead and laugh your head off or something like that

Dental hygiene
Two male medical students are examining a sperm sample through a microscope. A girl student enters the lab and notices the surprised boys.
Girl: “Hi, what are you guys doing?”
They look at each other during an unconfortable silence.
One of the boys: “We’re looking at … umm … saliva.” Girl: “Oh, good. Can I see it?”
The boys let the girl take a look. In a few moments a professor enters.
Professor: “Hi, what are you guys looking at so intesively?” Girl: “It’s a sample of saliva.” Boys: “Er…” Professor: “Excellent. May I take a look?”
Professor takes off his glasses, takes a quick look at the microscope and smirks.
—“Miss, maybe you should clean your teeth more carefully…”

The Six Affairs
The first affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded..‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.We had sex all afternoon.’She looked down at his shoes and said:‘You lying bastard!You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ The wife smiled sweetly and replied:‘Not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,about to be cremated,and made a startling discovery.Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
she said, ‘pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied,
‘the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer.‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.He glanced at the menu and asked:‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’‘A nickel,’ the barman replied ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’The bartender replied:‘Upstairs, with my wife.’The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairswith your wife?’The bartender replied:‘The same thing I’m doingto his business down here.’
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.He looked up and said weakly:I have something I must confess.’‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.‘No,’ he insisted,‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,her best friend, and your mother!’‘I know,’ she replied,‘now just rest and let the poison work.’

Exams r over!

Yes exams r finally over so i finally got the computer back.... yea so i have returned again, funnier, radomer, jokier! Ok so there aint no such word but, you get the point

Actual School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: 1) My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor


The Lazy Mens And The Lightbulbs
How many lazy mens are needed to change a lightbulb? 3. one to hold the lightbulb and the others to spin the ladder

Cbox lolz

Well i finally got one put up... took me awhile to figure out how but yay! and thanks for the support that website will come in handy as well... now lets see what others i can think up.....

The three men on an island.
There was 3 men on an island and they came across a genie that will grant them one wish each. He asks the first man what he wants. The First man says. “I wish for a helicopter to get off this god forbidden island.” So the genie grants the wish. The second man says. “I wish for a bridge that goes to the other side, and will then vanish.” So the genie grants the wish. The third man thinks long and hard about his wish and he starts to get lonely. He says… “God I wish those guys were back here.”

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Today...Yay

Well i kinda have almost no comments left i'd rather make so.....yay its today...dont i dont know why its a yay.....anyway lets get on to the jokes and remember.........something!

It's Dark In Here
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’ Boy – ‘I have a football.’ Man – ‘That’s nice.’ Boy – ‘Want to buy it?’ Man – ‘No, thanks.’ Boy – ‘My dad’s outside.’ Man – ‘OK, how much?’ Boy – ‘£250’
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together…
Boy – ‘Dark in here.’ Man – ‘Yes, it is.’ Boy – ‘I have football boots.
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’ Boy – ‘£750’ Man – ‘Sold.’
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, ‘Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game. The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.’ The father says, ‘What?! How much did you sell them for?’ Boy – ‘£1,000.’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again. You’re in my cupboard now.’


A Priest and a Bussiness Man
A priest & a businessman were playing golf, After playing several holes,the businessman’s game takes a turn 4 the worse. “Damn! I missed!” he swears, as his ball lands in a sand bunker. The priest is understandably shocked & astonishes the businessman, “Do not swear, my son. You will incur God’s Wrath.” The next time the businessman fails, however,he exclaims again,”Damn! I missed!” The priest gets very angry & scolds him severely: “My son, you place yourself in great jeopardy by your words!” But alas,as the businessman’s ball again fails to roll where he wants it to,he yells loudly: “Damn, I missed!” Suddenly a lightning bolt strikes from the clear sky & reduces the priest to a pile of smoldering ash & a booming voice from heaven shouts: “DAMN! I MISSED!”

I'm back after......... a long time.... yea lets go with that, well been busy and all but dont worry! I'm.... Back anyways got lots of new jokes for you guys

Bad Drivers
There’s a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ’’Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!’‘
Herman says, ’’I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!’‘

god will save me
*One day a man fell out of a boat and started to drowned.
A boat comes along, “Do you need any help.”
The man replies “no. god will save me.”
Another boat comes along.
“do you need any help”
“no. god will save me”
Another boat comes along.
“do you need any help”
“no. god will save me”
He finally drowns and goes to heaven.
He asks god “Why didn’t you save me?”
God says “I sent you 3 big boats you idiot!!

Haha lols

More jokes but instead of words, i'll use pictures now, after all, a pictures sepaks a thousand words, got hit by a bike today folks dont worry though i'm fine